September 9, 2005
The first time I heard of The Circle of Life was in The Lion King, But it certainly is a reality. You never quite understand how deep it can go until a generation has passed you by. I was 17 when my father died. I had just lost my father and was mad as hell. I glared at my mother one day shortly after his death, and naturally she took offense. She basically told me that I may have lost my father, but that she had just lost her husband. I got a bit of an attitude (not with her, but later on) about that, since I would only have one father, and she might get married again someday. Though she did go through quite a few men after my father, and even fell madly in love with another man, she is single to this day. And though I may have had a point in that he was the only father I would ever have, I didn't quite know what I was talking about. You grow up and expect to move away from your parents. You hate and dread the thought of either of them dying, especially during important times in your life. Who to walk you down the aisle, if not your father? Well, my brother stepped in for that for both me and my sister, even though our father was greatly missed. But it's beyond that. You will always love your parents, but you look forward to branching away from them. Can you imagine spending your life with your parents? Seeing them everyday, let alone sleeping in the same bed with them, or other things. NO, of course not. When you meet your life mate, you literally want to do everything with them. You miss them when they're not there. With email nowadays, at least I can email my husband during the day or worse, when he's out of town, we can even chat online. But can I picture where I would be if he died? I hate when he leaves for a week. Yes, he pisses me off on a regular basis, but to be without him on a forever kind of basis? To lose not only my husband, but what that entails: my best friend, my confidante, my lover, my love? I can't even imagine it. Used to be my biggest fear was losing my mother, my one remaining parent...but now I have to say I fear losing my husband more. Because I know he'll be there to comfort me when my mother dies...but I can't say that anything or anyone would be consolation if I were to lose him. I suppose I owe my mother an apology, but it's been 20 years. She might not even remember the incident, but I mostly wish I could go back and undo it...but then there are plenty of times in our lives that we wish we could change things in our past. Why stop there? I could go back to the day my father drowned and stopped it from happening...but we're supposed to believe that everything happens for a reason. I guess my biggest fear (and maybe the main reason behind writing this) is that my father died at the age of 46. Well, my husband is older than I am and will be turning 46 next month. No, I don't actually think my husband's fate is the same as my father's, but he's already had problems with his heart, so I may be confronted with the very real threat of losing him before we're old and gray.
My Mom once told me that she didn't know what it felt like to be a woman until she gave birth to my older sister. Well, I think I felt like a woman when I realized I wanted to marry the man I loved. I never thought I would ever get married. I always thought it was an outdated old fashioned tradition that needed to be totally revamped before I would even consider it. I was always told that I would change my mind when I met the right man...well, I guess I was proven wrong, since that is exactly what happened. It sounds a bit hokey, even to me, but I wanted his last name and to bear his children...I want to build a life and a future with him...
Maybe I'll update this page once I give birth, to see if she was right about that, just to see if I feel more womanly than I do now. I just figure I'll finally feel like a mother...But maybe my mother just meant that she finally realized what it meant to unconditionally love another person, since she had never had that before. My father had been just her friend when they got married, and she grew to love him. Do I unconditionally love my husband? I guess I can't answer that, since I've not been confronted with any conditions yet...but I know I love him more than anyone else I've ever known or met. I know I want to spend the rest of my life with him...so I guess I won't know how much I love him until I have his children...maybe my mother is right on that account, after all.
March 31, 2008
Hard to believe it's been over 2 years since I wrote that. I will be celebrating my 3rd anniversary with my husband tomorrow, and I just found out last week that I'm pregnant. This will be the first child for both of us. Of course I'm excited, but I haven't told anyone other than my husband. Yeah, I suppose I'm telling anyone who actually reads this, but I'm holding off telling my family until I reach my second trimester, just in case anything goes wrong. I read that 25% of all pregnancies end in miscarriage. That worries me to say the least. I can only hope that I don't fall into that group. I had given up on us having a child, since we tried for over a year. I guess that's how it happens sometimes, right? LOL
Anyway, this will hopefully give me the answer I brought up in my last entry. So if you are reading this, send your well wishes and good luck my way. Cross your fingers that this baby is one of those 75% that makes it through and is born. We have already picked out the name, whichever sex he/she turns out to be. I know my husband is looking forward to a boy, but I will be happy with either, as long as he/she is healthy.